Few things shake a couple's intimacy like the arrival of a child — especially when it comes to desire, which shifts for both partners, at different speeds, and almost always catches them off guard.
I write this as a couples therapist, but also as someone who has walked through this desert in my own marriage. It’s precisely the combination of the two that makes me want to offer something practical here — on the psychological side and, for those who have faith, on the spiritual side too.
The expectation that misleads
There’s a quiet belief, common especially among men, that the postpartum period is just a matter of waiting out the recovery window. “It’s about six weeks, and then everything goes back to normal.”
It doesn’t go back — at least not the way it was imagined.
The woman’s body has changed. Breastfeeding hormones directly affect libido. Sleep vanishes in the first months. The routine that gave the couple stability no longer exists. And often, one partner — sometimes both — goes through a depressive stretch. In this scenario, desire doesn’t rest the same way for both people: one may be ready to resume long before the other.
When that expectation isn’t met, the partner who was waiting for “normal” to return usually reacts with a mix of anger and sadness — and, in the heat of the frustration, loses all capacity to see the other person’s side.
Let’s be honest: it’s usually the man. There are women who resume their sex life even before the six-week mark, but for many — I’d venture, for most — that’s not how it works.
The resentment that leaks
Here’s the mechanism I see wreck couples’ conversations again and again — and that I’ve lived through myself:
THE CORE POINT:
You can master every communication technique in the world. If you don’t unpack the deep layers of resentment and the sense of injustice underneath, they’ll leak out anyway.
When a person feels they’re being treated unfairly, they develop a tendency to seek repayment. This is more common than it seems: many people carry, without realizing it, the sense that there’s a debt to be collected. You feel the other owes you something.
And then come conversations — usually full of good intentions — that the other person experiences as controlling, full of criticism, contempt, and even a “honesty” that isn’t really honesty. The partner believes they’re “just being honest,” when in fact they’re full of self-justification and resentment. They start reading the other’s difficulty with sex as being “difficult” or “making a big deal” (and, let’s be frank, it’s usually the man thinking this of the woman). Underneath the mismatch, many people feel deeply rejected — and use guilt as a tool of pressure.
For those living in a context of faith, this can get worse. Verses about the body belonging to one’s spouse, about not depriving each other sexually, stop being an invitation to mutual care and become a weapon of demand. Instead of bringing you closer, they amplify the resentment and that sense of a debt to be collected.
So let’s get to what matters: a few practical steps for handling the desire mismatch.
I - Discern the problem
I see a lot of couples who are too quick to point fingers, too quick to lock in a conclusion about what the problem is. The truth is, if you reach a conclusion with the wrong set of emotions, you’ll get it badly wrong. It’ll feel right — but if you conclude something while flooded with resentment and anger, you’ll likely radiate that toward your spouse, and the conversation will end in frustration. Even with the best intentions in the world.
Here’s something I want to tell you: you don’t have to hash it out on the spot. There’s nothing wrong with asking for space to discern what’s going on.
I’ve been through this in my own marriage — including on this very topic. I’ve tried to talk to my wife with no discernment at all, carrying feelings of rejection and frustration. Guess how that went? Right. The conversations weren’t good. They were unproductive.
You want a good conversation with your spouse — one where both of you feel you’re moving toward a better place. So before reaching a conclusion, before pointing a finger, before even expressing what you’re feeling, try to understand what’s happening inside you.
It’s inner work first. In my case, that happened through prayer — for others, it might be quiet reflection or individual therapy. But the question is never “how do I make the other person change?” It’s: “what’s my part in this? What am I really feeling? Why do I feel so rejected?”
This is the hardest step, and I’ll be direct about why: admitting your own feeling — often a sadness, not an anger — tends to be harder than fighting. Fighting is comfortable: it exposes the other and protects you. But admitting you’re sad is another thing. Admitting you’re afraid you may never have a satisfying sex life in your marriage is another thing still. Reaching those places of vulnerability takes a courage most of us would rather avoid.
II - Externalize the problem
Now that you’ve identified what you feel and done the discerning, try to externalize the problem — in the most generous version possible.
Don’t turn your partner into the problem. Your wife isn’t “frigid,” your husband isn’t “insensitive.” Labeling like that only leads to defensiveness, because the other feels accused and criticized. And you aren’t the problem either.
The problem is the mismatch in desire — and it’s a third thing, sitting outside the two of you. The moment a couple stops seeing each other as adversaries and starts looking at the problem side by side, as a shared obstacle, the entire nature of the conversation changes.
III - Communicate as a "We," with no hidden tactic
After the inner work — discerning and externalizing — comes the conversation. And it works completely differently when you show up as part of a “we,” rather than as someone with a ready-made solution and a disguised demand.
It’s common to imagine the solution is obvious: increase the frequency, done. But it isn’t always. It’s worth asking honestly: what if increasing the frequency doesn’t resolve what’s underneath? Who’s to say the dissatisfaction won’t return after a while? That doubt, far from weakening the conversation, makes it more truthful — because you stop negotiating a demand and start sharing a vulnerability.
Two things make an enormous difference when you speak. First, tone: expressing a need with skill, without accusation, in a positive way, is what determines whether the other listens or defends. Compare the two versions below.
Tone that closes the door:
“I’m really sexually unsatisfied. There’s something wrong with you not wanting sex.”
Accusation, criticism, and dissatisfaction in one package — the other can only defend.
Tone that opens the door:
“Honey, don’t you think we deserve a more vibrant sex life? I wish we felt more connected.”
Same desire, opposite direction. It left the attack-and-defend standoff and became an invitation — with “we” at the center, instead of a pointed finger.
(See this article on how to say what we need from our partner, which explains this in detail.)
Second, the absence of hidden repayment: coming to the conversation without secretly collecting a debt, without punishing the other for the injustice you felt, is what makes it safe. And here’s the counterintuitive part — you can make the request with courage, hear a “no,” and still have the conversation be a success, because the goal was never to win, it was to draw closer through truth. Many people feel an enormous relief just from having had an honest conversation at this level.
What the Christian tradition offers
For those with faith — in my case, the Christian faith — there’s a little-explored resource on this topic. But it’s delicate, risky, and a bit counterintuitive.
The apostle Paul writes, in Philippians 4, that he learned to be content in any and every circumstance — in plenty and in want.
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty... I can do all this through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4
Wait — don’t close the page yet. I know it sounds like a lot to think this way. Many people can’t even imagine a life with less sex than they’d want.
But this doesn’t mean resigning yourself to an unsatisfying marriage. It means there’s an alternative to demanding that the other change so you can be okay: learning not to be a hostage to your own desire. Between pressing for more frequency and cultivating contentment in any circumstance, the second path almost always strengthens the marriage more — and frees you from placing your entire well-being in the other person’s response.
"It sounds inconceivable. But it's liberating when it happens."
There’s also honest inner work in looking at yourself. Untreated sexual dissatisfaction tends to feed thoughts and urges we’d rather not examine. Recognizing this in yourself — without paralyzing guilt, but with clarity — is part of the process, and it usually becomes most visible precisely when a person is willing to reflect with sincerity.
In summary
1
Do the inner work first
Pray, reflect, or seek therapy — not to make the other change, but to understand your own part in the impasse.
2
Discern what you really feel
Often, underneath the anger, there’s a sadness that’s scarier to admit.
3
Externalize the problem
Your partner isn’t the enemy; the desire mismatch is a third thing you face together.
4
Communicate with courage, without tactics
Positive tone, honest request, no hidden demand — even if the answer is “no.”
5
Act as a team, not an individual
If you and your partner are going through this mismatch after the arrival of a child — or in any other phase — know that it’s common, that it doesn’t mean your marriage is failing, and that you can get through it without anyone walking away defeated.
If you and your partner are going through this mismatch after the arrival of a child — or in any other phase — know that it’s common, that it doesn’t mean your marriage is failing, and that you can get through it without anyone walking away defeated.
To go deeper
Three books that expand on what we covered here, especially for couples of faith:
And Baby Makes Three
The Gottmans’ six-step plan for protecting intimacy after a baby arrives.
Restoring the Pleasure
On rebuilding sexual intimacy in marriage.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Gottman’s foundations for a solid marriage.
Rethinking Sexuality
A view of sexuality grounded in faith.
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Free guide
4 Steps for Couples Who Still Want to Try
A clinical guide for couples in pain—who still have hope.
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