I had been doing couples therapy for a few months when a client asked me a question I couldn’t answer. Her question sent me down a path that completely changed how I work with couples on the brink of divorce.
Note: The story below is real. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.
It was March 2021. I was working at Embrace Pathways, a counseling agency in Massachusetts. It was one of my first couples — and I remember feeling nervous. My English was still not where I wanted it to be, and sitting with two people in crisis, trying to hold the room, was something I hadn’t fully prepared for.
I’ll call them Sarah and David. She had scheduled the appointment. He was there — but barely. You could feel it the moment they walked in. She sat forward. He leaned back. She made eye contact. He looked at the floor.
I asked the question I always ask in a first session: “What brings you here? What’s going on in your relationship?”
Sarah answered immediately: “I want him to understand the seriousness of the relationship.”
David said almost nothing.
From the room
What I was watching was something I didn’t have a name for yet — a dynamic where one partner is desperately trying to save something the other has already started letting go of. She was the pursuer. He was the withdrawer. She was pulling him toward therapy. He was tolerating it.
We did several sessions. Nothing was moving. I kept trying to facilitate conversations about needs, communication, understanding. But the harder she pushed, the more he retreated. We were going in circles.
Then one day, Sarah asked me a question I wasn’t expecting.
“Do you do Discernment Counseling?”
I had never heard the term. I told her honestly — no, I don’t. I’m not familiar with it.
She nodded and the session continued. But something stayed with me after they left that day. She knew something I didn’t. And whatever it was, she’d been looking for it — which meant she needed something I hadn’t been offering.
I went home and started reading. What I found changed the way I think about couples work.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term, structured process developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, a professor and family therapist at the University of Minnesota. It was created specifically for couples where one or both partners are ambivalent about whether to stay in the marriage.
It is not couples therapy. That distinction matters enormously — and I’ll come back to it.
The process typically involves one to five sessions. The therapist meets with the couple together and also individually within the same session. The goal is not to solve the relationship’s problems. The goal is to help both partners gain enough clarity to make a conscious, informed decision about what to do next.
~30%
Of couples entering therapy have a “mixed agenda” — one partner is committed to working on the relationship, while the other is leaning toward leaving. Proceeding with couples therapy in this situation often makes things worse, not better. (Doherty, W.J. — Discernment Counseling research)
Doherty identified what he called “mixed agenda couples” — where one partner is “leaning in” (committed to saving the marriage) and the other is “leaning out” (considering or planning to leave). This was exactly what I was watching with Sarah and David, without having the language to name it.
What Discernment Counseling Is NOT
- It is not couples therapy. You are not working on the relationship yet — you are deciding whether to.
- It is not mediation. The therapist is not neutral between staying and leaving.
- It is not a tool to convince anyone to stay or go. The goal is clarity, not a particular outcome.
- It is not crisis intervention. It is a deliberate, structured process for people who have time to think — not for situations of immediate danger.
- It is not long-term work. One to five sessions. Then a decision.
Who Is It For?
Discernment Counseling is for couples where at least one partner is seriously considering divorce or separation — but hasn’t made a final decision. It’s for the space between “things are bad” and “we’re done.”
You might recognize this dynamic if:
One of you brought up divorce but the other isn’t ready to accept that. One of you is in therapy alone, trying to figure out whether to stay. You’ve tried couples therapy before and it felt like one person was fully invested and the other was just going through the motions. Every conversation about the relationship turns into an argument about whether the relationship is worth saving.
That last one is important. When a couple can’t agree on whether they’re working on the marriage or ending it, couples therapy is almost impossible to do well. Both people are having a different conversation — and neither is being heard.
The Three Paths
At the end of Discernment Counseling, the couple arrives at one of three paths — not imposed by the therapist, but chosen by the couple with clearer eyes than when they started:
1
Commit to couples therapy
Both partners agree to enter at least six months of genuine couples work — with the shared goal of rebuilding the relationship.
2
Maintain the status quo
No changes for now. The couple continues as they are, without committing to either working on the marriage or ending it.
3
Move toward separation or divorce
The couple decides to end the marriage — ideally with more clarity, less chaos, and a better foundation for what comes next, especially if children are involved.
What matters is that the decision is made consciously — not by default, not out of exhaustion, not because one person finally wore the other down.
What Sarah and David Taught Me
Sarah and David didn’t finish their work with me. Life got in the way — scheduling conflicts, and then they stopped coming. We ended on good terms, but without resolution. I never found out what happened to them.
But what they gave me was something I’ve carried into every couples session since: the understanding that not every couple that shows up to therapy is ready for therapy.
Doing couples work with someone who hasn’t decided whether they want to stay is one of the most common — and most quietly harmful — mistakes in couples counseling. The partner who wants to stay leaves each session feeling hopeful. The partner who’s leaning out leaves feeling more trapped. Over time, the one who wanted to save the marriage ends up more hurt than if they’d never started.
"Not every couple that shows up to therapy is ready for therapy. Sometimes the most important work happens before the work begins."
Discernment Counseling is the step before the step. It doesn’t promise to save the marriage. It promises something more honest: clarity about what you actually want, so that whatever comes next — therapy, separation, or simply more time — you’re choosing it with open eyes.
I’ve been trained in Discernment Counseling since. And every time I sit with a couple where one person seems to be somewhere else in the room, I think of Sarah — and the question she asked me that I couldn’t answer.
I can answer it now.
If this resonates
If you recognize this dynamic in your relationship — one of you pushing, one pulling away, conversations that keep circling the same question — you might not need couples therapy yet. You might need Discernment Counseling first.
Recommended Reading
Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce
Bill Doherty & Steven Harris — the clinical protocol behind Discernment Counseling
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Not sure where you and your partner stand?
I offer Discernment Counseling for couples navigating ambivalence. Sessions available in English and Portuguese — online across Nevada, Florida, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire.
